The Monkey's Uncle - Agony column

mail your problem to :
desperate@designegg.com with the subject heading "SOS Monsieur Monkey"

NB Please note that emails to this address will be happily received, but routinely ignored.

Write to Dr. Harvest Quack-Flapper, our Monkey's Uncle [once removed]

Dear Dr. Harvest,

I have just created a new feature on my website and wish to put some content on it. Unfortunately, I will rely entirely on my users for this content. What could I place in the gap whilst I wait for said content to roll in ?

Yours sincerely,

Arrogant Dinosaur, Stevenage.

Hmmmn, yes I see... I suggest you just make something up.

I haven't seen my munky yet... should i lose weight

The Spankmonster, Loughborough

Losing weight is only advisable when there is no danger of being lost and without survival supplies in a jungle. If you live in a modern built up area, in a politically sound country, then get those cakes on order and fill your boots up baby !

Dear Agony Uncle

I have woman Trouble.

Robbie Craig

Yes, but it's either that or sitting at home with a scalextric controller in your hand and a gormless expression on your face.

Alternatively you could try being gay, but I understand that has it's own bag full of bees

My monkey is into badger baiting.
I admire Badgers for their ferocity and digging abilities so cannot condone this behaviour.
I do not, however wish to cause my monkey to run away and continue this barbaric practise as a member of some hideous Badger Baiting Cult.
What should I do.
I love my monkey... 

Tommy

Do you know that we also offer a laundry service ?

Dear Dr Harvest Quack-Flapper,

My monkey keeps misbehaving, should I spank him or just chastise him ?

Yours,

Laszlo Feckkkkkity, Craggy Island

A misbehaving Monkey is to be expected and should never be chastised.

Spanking the monkey can be easily exchanged for stroking and petting. I recommend one hundred strokes a day.

Dear Dr Harvest,

People say I have an inferiority complex. I don't, of course, but if I did have one I suspect it wouldn't be as big as anybody else's. What do you think?

Also, someone recently told me that the world is a subjective place. Surely that's just a matter of opinion, isn't it?

One last thing - I'm not paranoid but I think everyone is saying I am behind my back. How can I stop them? (And how do I stop these damn, infernal voices that come at night and torment me so?)

Please unmess my brain for me.

Reasonable Ian, Fratton

The simplest way to resolve existensial dilemmas and unmess the mind, is to run it through our laundry service.

We offer a full brain steam, fluffball removal, hour long soak and blow dry, which usually clears out the remains of the day effectively.

You are not paranoid, by the way. It's true - there are voices in your head - if they start to say "Send gifts to Monkey people" then listen, my friend, listen.

Dear Dr / Uncle Harvest,

My Monkey is just to Funky and wont calm the hell down , what should I do.

Yours in desperation

Ryan Fads, AugherClougherFivemiletown.

A funky monkey is undoubtedly better than sitting in a tiny room which smells of moth balls, featuring small flying insects aimlessly bashing into your face while you try to eat golden syrup and lit only by a flickering neon light.

Be grateful for that at least.

Oh no,

I woke up this morning and I realised that I had missed my favourite show, Pokemon on Sky1. I now have nothing to talk about with my mates, what should I do? I will lose my job and end in rehab please help.

Dear Jayn1988

Do you always eat a hearty breakfast? Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and should be relished. There are many breakfast products available for consumption and they can provide both nourishment and satisfactory conversation topics with your friends and associates.

Try to wake in the morning and think to yourself "Mnnnn... Riboflavin, here I come!", instead of "I wonder if Pikachu will have more other world battling success today". That's just sad.

My monkey keeps going around trying to teach poor unsuspecting members of the public, minding their own businesses in their brambly bushes, how to sew designer labels into pigeons. Im not sure the pigeons like it, but it seems to be giving my monkey a whole new lease of life. What shall I do? perturbed, Nedging with Naughton

Dear Nedging,

You are not providing enough leisure activity for your monkey.

Sewing designer labels into pigeons is a satisfactory hobby, but holds the possibility of infringement of copyright. As long as the labels are marked 'by Nedgings Monkey', I don't forsee a problem. Why not give your monkey the opportunity to move into embroidery.

Dear Dr Harvest Quack-Flapper,
as a small child I was brought up by a family of monkeys in Chislehurst, Kent. I learnt to live, eat, play and do domestic work as a monkey for seven happy years despite being in every physical way a normal human child. I was discovered by a newspaper reporter whilst looking for fruit on Bromley Common (I was looking for the fruit, not the reporter) and forced to return to live in human society with a family in Tooting, South London. I now run my own business, am married and have a very successful social and professional life. But I miss my monkey family. I am so tempted to try to get in touch with them but am not sure if too much time has elapsed and whether it might be wrong to revisit the past. I am not even sure how I would contact them as I think they have moved from Chislehurst to Esher in Surrey. What would you suggest?

Yours
Mrs Barbara Baboon

Dear Mrs Baboon,

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, too many cooks spoil the broth, time waits for no man, heaven must be missing an angel, your statutory rights are not affected, keep off the grass, objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear.

That should about cover it.

Hello Agony Uncle,

My monkey watches too much telly. I've tried getting digital telly and give him loadsa crisps, but he still wants to watch telly. Even if there's nothing on, just a blank screen, Monkey sits on his backside staring at the blank screen. Sometimes because he watches too much telly, he attacks the budgie with the toilet brush,... now you must admit, that thats cruel. I've supplied him with many budgie beating utilities, but he still insists on the toilet brush. He's not right in the head, mincing around in his wee leather jacket, not caring what trouble he's gonna cause. All because of telly. HELP!!

Its not the telly its probably you. Some people are only destined to share their affections for animals with small mammals. Try a guinea Pig and send your Monkey on a cruise.

hehehe

from
Bert The Tree Monkey

Dear Bert,

You don't seem to have a problem Bert. Elucidate.

I recently bunked school one day. I went in the morning then wrote a note at luch that said I had a dentist appointment. The teacher believed me and I only wrote it because I was being bullied by some older girls and boys for dying my hair bright red. Please help.

Take up knitting and knit yourself the finest all in one knitted suit that was ever knitted. Wear it to remind yourself of your talent at knitting and fend off people who mock you with facts about the types of wool and stitches you employed.