| 3:25 |
TONY COBRA |
More cartoon family fun with the hapless man-snake. All the regulars are here in today’s episode - Crazy Goom Babbitt,
Dogmonkey, Auntie Concrete, Mechanical Melvyn, Mr No-Head, etc. etc. This week: Squids! |
| 3:50 |
ORK-TION |
Mythical creatures go under the hammer. |
| 4:15 |
NUTTER |
A comedy half-hour of skits and sketches for kids, written by and featuring Terry Nutkins. This week he beats up a babboon. |
| 4:45 |
MR PANTZ |
Amiable children’s entertainment. Jenny and Sam’s magical friend Mr Pantz lives in the loft, is not visible to grown-ups, wears only pants and helps out with particularly difficult homework and other everyday conundrums in return for fizzy drinks and crisps. This week Sam is plagued by a bully, and Mr Pantz is forthcoming with deadly martial arts disabling tips. |
| 5:15 |
DA NOOZE!! |
Rather irksome current affairs programme presented by Toby
Anstis, aimed at the early teens. Anstis flies in a ‘Crucial ‘Copter’, guaging news items with marks out of ten through his fluid ‘KULE’ pipe. On top of this, visits to Mercury the Mongoose, a dead putrifying bird, are just plain weird. |
| 6:00 |
FRESHLY BAKED NEWS |
Early evening news and cooking, with Michael Buerk and Kevin
Woodsford. Whilst preparing the meal that will be eaten, Woodsford also ‘prepares’ the news stories to come by giving us the news ‘ingredients’ of developing situations worldwide. Whilst eating the meal cooked, Buerk ‘eats’ the news stories that Woodsford has prepared by finishing off news items with detailed analysis and interviews. Easily digestible news. |
| 6:30 |
STICK ACID UP MY NOSE |
Maggie Philbin grapples uncomfortably with
investigative reporting as she attempts to get to the heart of the
youth’s drug problems in the 21st Century. There is harrowing video
footage in this programme, featuring a girl smoking ‘pope’ and a boy
on ‘whizzy’. |
| 7:15 |
SCOTTISH DEATHS |
More hilarious Highland fatalities caught on home video cameras. Of particular note, a man falls off a really, really high cliff (note his pathetic attempt to clutch at a passing seagull on his way down), and a woman rides a motorbike into a wall at, a-ha-ha, a quite literally ‘breakneck’ speed. |
| 7:50 |
MAKE YOUR HOUSE LOOK BETTER,
YOU! |
New home improvement show but with a difference. Former DJ Pat Sharp dons an obscene frog outfit and scares unwitting, innocent members of the public into doing up their homes - but there is no skilled team of experts on hand to help. With whip in hand and evil amphibian slime gushing from selected orifices, Sharp becomes a demonic tyrant, screaming at his unfortunate victims who openly weep whilst desperately slapping paint onto walls just to appease their uninvited oppressor. Sit back and watch nice suburban householders mentally crumble. |
| 8:30 |
HELL-EPHANT |
More killing and maiming from the monstrously deranged devil mammal. This week; death in the mall. |
| 9:00 |
CROCODILE TV |
A camera strapped to the head of a wild American crocodile provides a half-hour of viewing. |
| 9:30 |
I’M NAKED, SO PHONE ME! |
Danny Baker sits in a BBC office, waiting to take your calls on anything whatsoever - live - whilst being completely naked. Cleverly, he vents ‘naked’ aggression on anybody who displeases him. |
| 9:55 |
HORSE-PITAL |
Bizarre comedy jointly written by Paul Daniels and Des Lynam as a comedy vehicle for the talents of Debbie McGhee. As Nurse Mare, she attends to various equine ailments with supposedly ‘hilarious’ consequences. Look out for Lynam’s cameo appearance as
Juicemonger. Poor. |
| 10:30 |
SICK |
Maverick comic Noah Spatchcock pushes the taste barriers as far as is humanly possible. Tonight he exhumes Bill Owen’s body, dresses him up as Compo and sends him crashing into his son’s home on a tractor with a sign around his neck proclaiming ‘DADDY’S HOME!’ He also follows a nervous Yoko Ono around New York for a day, casually sporting a copy of ‘The Catcher in the Rye’ and attempting to introduce himself as ‘Mark C’. Controversial. |
| 11:05 |
MOUNTAIN |
The start of a brand new epic-and-sure-to-be-cult-series, much like in the mould of The Prisoner. Drugged at a Monkey party, former prime ministers Sir Edward Heath (Timothy West), Margaret Thatcher (Patricia Hodge) and John Major (John Major) awake to discover that unknown agents have posited them upon the apex of a massive mountain entirely composed of dead politicians, and on a planet they cannot be sure is Earth. With nothing to aid them but cloth, they must do something but are not entirely sure what it is. Stinging political allegory. |
| 11:50 |
DICKENS DECONSTRUCTED |
Whose idea was this?! Late night literary debate conducted by Michaela
Strachan, with her guests comprising of Coventry City FC manager Gordon
Strachan, celebrity cook Delia Smith, comedy actor Martin Clunes, former hurdler and now presenter Kriss Akabusi and singer Kylie
Minogue. Whilst it is interesting to see non-academics discussing literature, it is an ultimately fruitless pursuit as no one ostensibly knows what they’re taking about. Michaela Strachan has little control over proceedings, Smith admits to not having read any Dickens (just like all the others then), Clunes looks like he wishes he wasn’t there and Kriss Akabusi uses the word ‘specifics’ far too much. The nadir of the programme comes when Gordon
Strachan, who looks angry throughout, says he thinks Dickens is ‘shit’ and throws his copy of The Pickwick Papers at his namesake presenter’s head. It actually hits her quite hard and there is a moment of anarchic confusion. The discussion meanders to an inconclusive end, with Martin Clunes ripping up Oliver Twist ‘for a laugh’ whilst Delia Smith weeps silently to herself. Kylie Minogue sings the programme out. |
| 12:35 |
NOTHING |
Televisual adaptation of avant-garde nihilist
Soose Baloo’s recent successful stage play. There is no dialogue, no
characters, no set - and no play. In fact the programme doesn’t exist,
and isn’t on. |
| 12:35 |
DAD’S OSTRICH |
Dire lightweight American sit-com starring Mark Hamill,
deservedly residing in the late-night graveyard slot. Mr Girl’s pet ostrich Elvis escapes again and causes havoc at the kids’ school, and Mr Girl is forced to catch him with a massive rubber net. |
